If you read the little comic by the blog title you already know I have some issues. In fact quite a few. Over time these issues haven't really changed that much, but some of them have gotten better. However, no matter how I succeed or fail, there is always the little voice in my head telling me I am not as good as everyone else because I am fat. I want that to change. I have goals to achieve and a life to live!
So this is the plan. Every day I am going to write down what I eat, when I exercise and how I am feeling about life. That's all. I am going to try to improve my health through mindfulness and patience. I am going to try to end the destructive patterns I have fallen into and improve how I feel. Maybe along the way we can learn something together.
So starting off the blog...today has been a bad day! I woke up this morning feeling tired, sore, and hungry. In addition our dog had an accident on the carpet last night. Not really what I wanted to see when I came into the living room this morning. After cleaning that up I went straight to making breakfast. I had a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves and a tablespoon of peanut butter. Healthy right? Yet I was still starving. I made breakfast for the hubs, packed his lunch and drove him to school. The entire time my stomach was growling and putting me in a foul mood.
Back at home I ate some cheese, my last 1/4 cup of fiber one and an oatmeal cookie. Surely I would be full now. I sat down and did some morning computer work (email, etc.). I dutifully drank my water, and I was still starving. I was pissed.
It came down to rage eating. I was really upset. Here I am trying to be healthy, eat right, stay on the straight and narrow, and my stupid body refuses to cooperate! Raaaaghh! So I ended up vengefully eating some Swedish fish and decided I would not do anything I didn't want to.
Some people at this point may be tsk tsking about going to the grocery store when your hungry. Yeah, I know all that crap, but we had just used our last slices of bread for my husband's lunch, we had one chicken breast in the freezer, peanut butter, and a can of tuna in the pantry. I needed to go shopping, and I love grocery shopping.
At the store I stuck to my list, but also filled in all of the staples we needed for the upcoming week. Lots of veggies, lean meat, tofu, some fruit and Fiber One. I was still hungry as I was filling the cart though.
In the check out line I grabbed a bag of peanut M&M's. I knew it was a bad choice, but I was still mad and hungry, so in they went. On my way home I ate my M&M's and thought about how I was ruining any progress I might have made with my working out. Yet, I was finally, blissfully, not hungry.
At home I made myself carry the groceries up the extra long flight of stairs on the side of our apartment building. It may not burn off 250 calories, but at least it was a step in the right direction. I put everything away, fed our dog, and decided that blogging might help me in the future if another similar scenario ever popped up again.
And so it begins.
